It’s a new year yet I am still getting tons of spam each day from who knows where and who knows why.
Here are some examples.
Mr. Alfred Morris wants to transfer $750,000 of my lottery winnings and I have to do is call a number and send a registered check (for incidentals) to get the cash. What is great about this is I didn’t even buy a lottery ticket yet I won the prize. Mrs. L. Bishop Will also has money waiting for me.
Gen. David Smith needs my “urgent response” to his request to give me large sums of money. I Googled “David Smith” and sure enough, a man by that name exists. I could get up to $17.5 million if I will send a bunch of personal financial information.
I got a “urinary mesh patch alert” with “incontinence repair compensation information.” Apparently, there are complications from the “vaginal mesh implant.” I might be somewhat concerned if I were a female.
Likewise, the “it’s all about the bra” e-mail was wasted on me, a man. Plus, I don’t need to “ditch my mascara.”
There is an e-mail that tells me how to get a VA loan for my house. That’s fascinating because I am not a veteran. I wonder how that works.
Another e-mail states, “Scientists uncover a plant that blocks fat storage.” Without reading it, my guess is that the plant is lettuce. Besides, I would rather buy the “miracle coffee bean that melts fat” – it helps you lose weight and keeps you awake while driving.
There are several e-mails that deal with fat, including the “miracle coffee bean that melts fat” and “start melting your fat away naturally.” I really want to get “high school slim.”
Do you know that there are “17 forbidden foods that flatten your belly?” To get the list, you have to sit through an hour-long video (I didn’t) until you are so worn out that you will order the merchandise just to shut them up.
Someone in Nepal is having a “Christmas sale” on Viagra. That sounds like a good idea – buy illegal prescription drugs from someone you don’t know in a foreign country.
Another e-mail says, “Win $6,000 worth of laser hair removal.” I think I will forward this to a chimpanzee because I can’t think of any human that needs $6,000 worth of hair removal.
I get a handful of sex-oriented e-mails, including “chat with Asian beauties” and “review local singles for free.” “Samantha” is giving me “just one more chance to respond.” Likewise, Valerie made “one last try” to get me to answer her e-mail.
I have always wanted to have a career in movies and “the official database of the entertainment industry” keeps sending me e-mails about “casting calls.” Apparently, there is a great demand for handsome men like me to star in commercials, movies and TV shows.
Some e-mails are targeted for senior citizens, like “the Scooter Store,” “Medicare Info Center” and “blood pressure myth exposed.”
A colon cleansing formula is “newly released.” Something tells me that if you buy their formula, something else will be “newly released.”
The Scooter Store asks, “Do you feel like a bother to others because of your lack of mobility?” Why yes, I do feel like a bother but I am not sure I could move any faster in a scooter. By the way, Hoveround wants me “to enjoy life again” with their “mobility solutions.”
I think I have a better shot at “upward mobility” if I don’t send money to these guys.
Here’s a weird one – the “Lasik Vision Institute” can fix one eye a price starting at $299 ($598 for both eyes). I have always wanted to buy a surgical procedure online from a company and doctor I don’t know.
I can “speak a language in 10 days” and “get rid of skin tags in just three weeks.” I can “never pay a monthly phone bill again” and get rid of high blood pressure. Apparently, the “best value for entertainment” is with the DISH.
Want to know celebrities get “fuller, thicker hair?” I sure do. And how about the “world’s most comfortable anti-snoring product?”
I have been offered “free” ski trips to Taos, N.M., and a “dream vacation” to Disney World in Florida.
Here’s some great news – I have been “matched up to four lenders” by refiwithus and I didn’t even have to submit an application.
Carrie.zhuo sent me an e-mail in Japanese. It has an attachment that I dare not download.
Jason Peterson, vice president of research for the Global Professional Network, sent me an e-mail congratulating me on the approval of my candidacy to represent my professional community. It’s funny because I didn’t apply but apparently one of my close friends applied for me. All I need to do is verify my profile with loads of personal financial information.
When pigs fly.
Most of these e-mail have a paragraph at the bottom that asks you if you want them to discontinue sending the e-mails. In the past, I have gone through and sent those stop messages to hundreds but they still keep coming.
The only good thing is that 98 percent of them are easy to spot.
Maybe if I got that eye surgery, I could spot all of them.
• An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, “Got any ID?”
The driver says, “‘Bout what?”
• An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, “Hurry over here-muhhouse is on fahr!”
“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”
“Shucks, don’t you fellers still have those big red trucks?”
• What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Mississippi?
Documentaries.
• A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Texas one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ (means ‘getting ready to’ in Texas) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump, think of your dear mother and father.”
He replied, “Mom and Dad are both dead. I’m going to jump.”
She said, “Well, think of your wife and children.”
He replied, “I’m not married and I don’t have any kids.”
She said, “Well, Remember the Alamo”
He replied, ”What’s the Alamo?”
She replied, ”Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you Yankee.”
• A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee.
“This coffee,” he said loud enough for most of the other
patrons to hear, “is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers.”
The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.
“This one isn’t so hot, sir,” he beamed.
