Like Spike Jones, these are my New Year’s resolutions

This is my New Year’s resolution:

When my mother-in-law begins to yell and shout

Through the window I would like to throw her out.

But I resolve not to do it, here is why:

I’m afraid of hitting someone passing by.

This is my New Year’s resolution.

 

When I’m at the movies watching a love scene

And a lady’s hat is blocking half the screen

I resolve not to shout, “Take off that hat!”

I’ll remove it gently with a baseball bat.

This is my New Year’s Resolution.

 

When I take a lovely lady out to eat

And she orders caviar instead of meat

I resolve to let the lady have her fill.

And of course I’ll also let her pay the bill.

This is my New Year’s Resolution.

 

When I’m sitting with my wifey on a bus

And a dear old lady stands in front of us

I resolve to be a gentleman discreet.

I’ll politely offer her my wifey’s seat.

This is my New Year’s Resolution.

 

When my mother says, “Come in, it’s time to eat.”

And I keep on playing games out in the street

I resolve to rush right home now when I’m called

Cause my pop just got a hairbrush and he’s bald.

This is my New Year’s Resolution.

 

On the radio this year I hope to score

With some funny jokes you’ve never heard before.

I resolve not to tell a corny joke.

Hello, what’s that? The church burned down? Holy smoke!

This is my New Year’s Resolution.

 

In this coming year I’m going to be discreet.

Have the Slicker’s playing music soft and sweet.

I resolve to treat Tchaikovsky tenderly

And set his second movement with TNT.

This is my New Year’s Resolution.

– Spike Jones

 

Spike Jones was a musician and bandleader in the 1940s and 1950s who did satires of popular songs and classics. He also recorded All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth and Der Fuehrer’s Face. He was the percussionist for the John Scott Trotter Orchestra, who played on Bing Crosby’s first recording of White Christmas.

Here are some of my New Year’s resolutions.

  • I will not offer an apology for anything Donald Trump says.
  • I will lobby for Baker Mayfield to get three years of eligibility at OU.
  • I will hope that Kevin Durant resigns with the Oklahoma City Thunder.
  • I will plant my corn early.
  • I will lose some weight (or at least not gain any weight).
  • I will add a Hawaiian cruise to my bucket list.
  • I will not sign up for Social Security retirement money for at least another three more years.
  • I will continue to publish and edit the Tulsa Beacon (Lord willing and the creek don’t rise).
  • I will not watch any television show featuring a member of the Kardashian family.
  • I will not get a flu shot.
  • My family and I will try to take a cruise to the Caribbean.
  • I will eat fewer carbs (mostly fruits and vegetables).
  • I will spend more time on my elliptical machine.
  • I will spend more time with my grown kids.
  • I will walk my dog whenever the weather is nice or I can talk her into going (I am just kidding about that last part – she lives for those walks).
  • I will spend time with old friends.
  • I will call my brother Ben in Florida, who just turned 83.
  • I will not spend a penny on the liberal media.
  • I will not vote for Hillary Clinton.
  • I will pray for the leaders of our city, state and nation.
  • I will have a successful garden.
  • I will watch every OU football game and most TU and OSU games.
  • I will cheer for the Dallas Cowboys, but only if they start winning.
  • I will not steal jokes off the Internet (unless, of course, they are funny).
  • I will not drink Tulsa tap water.
  • I will not vote for a sales tax increase.
  • I will not vote for a property tax increase.
  • I will not vote for an income tax increase.
  • I will vote for candidates who promise not to raise taxes and who are true to their word.
  • I will not borrow money for any reason in 2016.
  • I will not spend a penny at a casino.
  • I will not buy a ticket for the Oklahoma “education” lottery.
  • I will probably vote for the Republican nominee for president. (There are three or four that would cause me to leave the ballot blank but I don’t think any of them will get the nomination.)
  • I will read Community Spirit Magazine and The Oklahoma Constitution newspaper.
  • I will take a vacation somewhere with my wife.
  • I will not drive over the speed limit or text while I am driving. I will not park illegally or jaywalk on purpose.
  • I will read the Bible consistently and pray as often as I can.

That’s about all I can handle.

Happy New Year!