[Looking at history and our area’s unique political and religious attitudes.]

“What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.” Variations of this quote are attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson about 1841 and had migrated to the listed iteration by 1900 in a sermon by John Barnett Donaldson.

My grandmothers and mother had a more terse version, “Action speaks louder than words.”

Growing up, I heard that in so many contexts that it is branded in my soul. The admonition came whether I had done something or had not done something. So it was very useful for parenting.

You often see this commentary in action through current events and media snippets. One implementation is commonly called body language. The anatomy has many involuntary responses. We do not have to be reminded to breath. Likewise, we shiver when cold and perspire when hot. Subtle facial expressions, including blushing, frowns, and smiles are evoked depending on the situation. Although these can be trained and managed somewhat, the body involuntary tells what the mind is thinking. Gamblers use these tells to take your money.

In the much discussed interaction between President Trump, Vice-President Vance, and President Zelenskyy of Ukraine, I have seldom seen a clearer indication of body tells. The discussion went off the rails when Zelenskyy folded his arms and leaned back in his chair. President Trump was leaning forward with his fingers steepling. Vance was erect, stiff, with one arm outstretched and his pointer-finger waggling.

What were they communicating?

Zelenskyy was saying, I am closed, my mind is set, I am not listening to anything anyone says. I have pushed back from the conversation. I am pouting like a recalcitrant, petulant child.

Vance, on the other hand, was wagging his finger like a scolding mother that has had enough. It is an early warning that things are cascading to verbal intensity. The meeting had degraded to the equivalent of Macbeth’s challenge to his cousin turned adversary with “Lay on, Macduff, and damned be he who first cries, Hold, enough!”

Then comes the President. He is leaning very much into the situation with his steepled fingers drumming out the message, I am in control. I have all the power. I am comfortable with managing the situation. It is working to my satisfaction, even if not on the preferred trajectory.

The President is an inveterate negotiator, which indicates he can read people. Unlike Zelenskyy, the actor clearly could not read the room. When Zelenskyy retreated into his cocoon, President Trump correctly interpreted the meeting is over. That was Zelenskyy’s call by his posture.

How did the session deteriorate to this state? Negotiating is a skill that understands the other person has interests.

In every situation, whether in marriage, business, or social, each party has their own interests, whether stated or not.

Dale Carnegie, in his sales training, often opined. “Find out what the other person wants, help them to get it, and in the process, you will get what you want.” That is negotiation.

How do you find out what they want? Most people will not tell you, but are cautious, evasive, and insecure in their sharing.

So how to get the conversation started and quickly moving to negotiation? Throw out an idea that may seem absurd on first look, but has some merit. What world business and political leader is a master at that tactic? Of course, the President. The first proposal cannot be your end game.

What is the next step in the negotiation? A retort of ‘that is ridiculous, but …’ It is the but that allows an interplay and continued conversation. Often because of the far-out idea, one side may become irritated to frustrated. That is expected and okay, if both are mature enough to keep talking. Hence, negotiations, even between spouses, are best behind closed doors. The making up can be profitable.

As a technical expert, I recall a case where the attorney on the other side ripped and harangued me no end. After the hearing, he came up to me and said, ‘Hey, let’s go to lunch.’ I responded, ‘After that abuse?’ He smiled and assured, ‘Oh that was not personal, just business.’ It sure felt personal. It was not unusual for us to work for an attorney on one case and be on opposite sides in another.

Control your emotions.

Think about it. What does the other person want? Can you help them get it? You just may get what you want, not the extreme position that started the conversation. May God bless America, as the President takes the country back to

rational territory of the forefathers.

One of the most popular classes I taught regularly as a professor was management. Since out goal was very practical, we co-authored the texts for the class. One of them, Leadership & Success in Relationships & Communication, ISBN 1463758766, has extensive discussion and dozens of illustrations on various body language in communication. It is a fascinating, profitable, logical topic.