BabylonBee.com is a Christian satirical site. I like it a lot because it is really funny and they don’t pull punches.

Here are some recent headlines and quotes:

– Elizabeth Warren Declares Herself Warlord of Eastern Oklahoma Autonomous Zone

“EASTERN OKLAHOMA—The Supreme Court decided this week that half of Oklahoma is Native American land. Failed presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren was seen soon after in the newly formed Eastern Oklahoma Autonomous Zone with an authentic tomahawk and bow purchased in a gift shop, declaring herself to be the warlord of the area…”

– Democrats Call for Labels Warning Consumers If a Company’s CEO Voted for Trump

“”When you’re shopping for beans, like, the first thing you want to know is, like, if the CEO is a Trump supporter,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “My abuelita and I would, like, go shopping at the bodega when I was growing up in hard-knock Yorktown Heights. And she’d always tell me, ‘Mija, the first thing to know about buying good food is you have to make sure the CEO of the company isn’t a Republican.’ And, like, that always stuck with me.”

– Atheists Launch No Lives Matter Movement

“Since we are just random accidents of evolution, and our so-called moral truths are just biochemical reactions in our brain, no human lives, or any lives at all, actually matter,” said prominent atheist Richard Dawkins, speaking for NLM.

– Pelosi: ‘We Have to Knock the Statues Down to Find Out If They’re Racist’

“You won’t know until you pull them down.” Pelosi said that everyone should support the tearing down of all statues, whether they are of the Founding Fathers, the Hamburglar, or the Fonz. Later on, she said, we can find out whether or not they were actually icons of white supremacy.

– Equality for the Elderly: Grampa Simpson Will Now Be Voiced by Joe Biden

“”I’m honored to be voicing this role,” said Joe Biden. “You know, there’s a funny story. I was out looking for Corn Pop, so I decided to go to Morganville which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So, I tied an onion to my belt which was the style at the time — the kids loved the onion. They’d see the onion and start running their fingers through my leg hair and watch it change color in the sun. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of, you know, the thing on ‘em.”

– Baptists Lose Hundreds of Pounds Thanks to Canceled Potlucks

“Unable to chow down on three or four plates of casseroles and guzzle down gallons of sweet tea after church every Sunday, Baptists are getting lean and fit. Most other denominations gained weight during quarantine, but since Baptists consume an average of 10,000 calories per potluck, they actually lost weight.”

– Disney+ Displays Warning That ‘Hamilton’ May Contain Positive Depictions Of Founding Fathers

Eventually, though, Disney agrees that Hamilton will need to be remade, possibly with all the characters just screaming at the sky over how bad America is.

– Biden Proves Healthy Cognition By Flawlessly Reciting All The Sounds Animals Can Make

WILMINGTON, DE—With citizens and media figures questioning Joe Biden’s mental fitness to become president, Biden took to the internet yesterday to shut down the naysayers once and for all. On a live video from his basement, Biden held up a Fisher-Price See ‘n Say and flawlessly recited all the sounds animals can make. 

“My memory cognitives are per-perfect, they’re perfect,” Biden insisted. “If my brain is no anymore not work, could I do this?”

– New App Reminds You To Look Up From Your Phone To Check If Your Kids Are Still Alive

SAN JOSE, CA—The tech world is abuzz after the announcement of a new smartphone app that could save millions of lives. The new app, called Kid-Alyve, will remind parents to look up from their phones every so often to confirm that their children are still breathing.

– Redskins Change Name To ‘Lizard People’ To Better Represent Population Of Washington, D.C.

“This is a much better name, far more reflective of the great city of Washington, D.C.,” said Eleanor Holmes Norton, D.C.’s representative. “All the politicians, bureaucrats, and leaders here in the district felt the name had great appeal.”

– Tourists Flock From Around Country To View Ancient Ruins Of CHAZ

SEATTLE, WA—There’s a hot new tourist destination this summer: the ancient ruins of CHAZ/CHOP in present-day Seattle.

The ancient country was once a bustling center of commerce and trade, its chief export being outrage and its chief import being everything needed to survive like food, shelter, and water.

“Look at the remains of this ancient, primitive civilization — it’s quite fascinating,” said one woman as she pointed to a sea of abandoned tents. “They seem to have nearly discovered the secret of fire. Though it appears they used it mainly to light up these bongs over here.”

– Democrat Leaders Struggling To Enforce Lockdowns After Getting Rid Of All The Police

“We may have defunded the police slightly too early,” admitted NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio. “Maybe we should have welded everybody into their homes and then fired all the police officers. You have to be really careful with the timing on these things, you know.” Someone then busted into his press conference and stole his watch. “Police! Arrest that man!” he cried before realizing what he was saying.

Be sure to check out www.babylonbee.com.