Here is what you would expect in an interview with Bernie Sanders, the senator running for president, if he were candid.

Question: What is socialism?

Bernie: That’s where you send all of your money into the government and they in turn take care of all your needs.

Question: Has that ever worked anywhere?

Bernie: Of course not. It hasn’t worked because I haven’t been in charge. The key is to silence your opposition.

Question: Silence the opposition?

Bernie: Right. People don’t know what is best for them. I do. And anyone who disagrees with me needs “re-education.” And I will yell to make my case

Question: Speaking of education, you want to give free college tuition to everyone. How would you pay for that?

Bernie: You have to choose your words carefully when you make campaign promises. When I say free “tuition,” I am not promising free “fees,” free “room and board,” free “books,” or free “activity fees.” In other words, if you give free tuition, you could charge $1,000 for a text book or $1,500 for a science lab fee. Or even $5,000 a month for room and board. That’s how colleges would make up the difference.

Question: You want the government to take over health care, eliminate private health insurance and give free health care to illegal aliens? How will you pay for that?

Bernie: You don’t understand how this works. When I promise new programs that would actually cost trillions of dollars, people in their living rooms don’t do the math. They aren’t smart enough. All they hear is free prescriptions, free doctor visits and no co-pays. When I am elected, I will just blame Congress for not ponying up the dough.

Health care is a right. Free cell phones are a right. Three meals a day is a right. Sitting on your couch without a job and watching cable TV should be a right.

And these rights should especially be guaranteed for anyone who enters the country illegally.

Question: You say your economic plan will create more jobs. The national unemployment rate is about 3%. How is it possible to go lower than that?

Bernie: Again, you don’t understand. I went to school on Barack Obama. I will cook the numbers. Even though unemployment will rise under my administration, I will change how we calculate it to make my numbers look good while Trump’s economy looks bad.

Question: Do you hate President Trump?

Bernie: No, no, no. I’m like Nancy Pelosi. I don’t hate anyone. But I want Trump forced out of office and locked away for the rest of his life. And I want his family imprisoned, too.

Question: Can a woman be elected president?

Bernie: No. Especially not Elizabeth Warren or Amy Klobuchar. Pete Buttigieg, who is more feminine than those two, can’t win, either.

Question: Did the Democrat National Committee rig the nomination process in 2016 in favor of Hillary Clinton?

Bernie: What are you talking about? The Democrats love me. Me and Hillary are pals.

Question: Why is it fair for rich people to pay more in taxes since almost half of Americans actually pay no income tax?

Bernie: I am a reluctant millionaire. We have to distribute the wealth in this country. We need to overtax people who produce goods and services and give that money to people who don’t want to work. In other words, my constituents. If you make too much money, my government must confiscate it for your own good.

Question: Won’t a carbon tax hurt the middle class and poor people?

Bernie: The reason I am yelling about climate change is because it is a great motivation to raise taxes on Americans redistribute wealth. You tell me. Is it fair for us to have nice homes and cars and retirement accounts when they don’t have that in Third World countries? Even though we make this wealth, it is our moral duty to give it away to people who don’t work.

I am mad at the energy companies and I want to stop the flow of electricity generated by oil, natural gas and especially coal. Who says we can’t fly airplanes on solar energy? Just because you drill for oil and provide cheap energy doesn’t mean you deserve to make a bunch of money.

Question: What is your view on abortion?

Bernie: A woman may destroy that baby at any time for any reason without explanation and anti-abortion Americans should be forced to pay for those abortions through their taxes. And we should pay for abortions overseas for population control.

However, I have tempered my view on euthanasia. I am starting to see the value in taking care of our senior population. I don’t know why that has changed for me in the last few years, but … what were we talking about?

Jokes

• A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
  The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
• A man says to a store clerk, “I’d like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?”
• Police officer: Can you identify yourself, sir?
  Driver pulls out his mirror and says: Yes, it’s me.
• After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… a Pizza Hut Deliveryman
• What’s the worst thing about being lonely?
  Playing Frisbee.
• How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
  It walks forward.
• I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row now.
• They threw me out of the movie theater today for bringing my own food.
  But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.
• Dentist: You need a crown.
  Patient: Finally someone who understands me
• You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor.
  Everybody.
• What do you get when you cross a cow with a shark?
  I don’t know but lotsa luck trying to milk it.
• I forgot my cell phone when I went to the bathroom yesterday.
  We have 245 tiles.
• There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell. Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?
• If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $6.30 now.