Without hesitation, the most common question someone asks when the unexpected happens is, “Why?” It is personal too, “Why did this happen to me?” It is as if we think the answer will somehow make it easier to accept. However, I assure you, if there was a reason, it will not make it easier to accept.

Thinking of my children in high school or one of my grandkids today – Picture a young girl telling her boyfriend their relationship is over. In most situations he will want to know why and probably badger her to tell him something. Finally, she relents and shares her feelings that he is too needy, or too self-absorbed. Do you think he will say, “thanks for the information” and walk away. No, he will jump into debate mode and try to convince her it is not true, or he will beg for a second chance and ways to fix it.

We do these things because we are human and when something unexpected and unpredictable happens, the brain hates it. The brain craves certainty and without its life feels out of control. The “why” questions create a deadly spiral that it is hard to get out of, because you will not get answers to the questions.

If “Why?” is the wrong question to ask, what should we be asking?

I think “What?” is a better question to be asking. A question containing “what” will cause you to shift your perspective in a different direction which is better for you. Here are three “what” questions to consider.

What do I need to learn from this situation? There is always something we can learn. Lord willing you will learn you are stronger than you think in managing something difficult. It could be you learn to be more observant, or more prepared. When sharing an inconvenient situation with a friend, I asked what I should learn from it. My friend smiled wryly and said, “Work with better leaders.” He went on to say it was not something I did or needed to do but was a result of poor leadership around me. On that day, I recognized what poor leadership looks like.

What do I need to do next? This question will cause you to focus on options available to you. It will cause you to do some critical thinking. If you recently learned your job was eliminated, your list of what to do next might include updating your resume, filing for unemployment, re-evaluating what family expenses are necessary instead of wants. The process of thinking about what to do next will help move you off where you are, pushing you to a forward-thinking viewpoint.

What is within my control? The unexpected teaches us we do not have control over everything, but we also learn we do have control. While we cannot change what happened, asking this question helps us realize how we respond within our control. You can choose to be a victim or choose not to be one. It is in your control. You can choose to be angry and bitter or choose not to be. You have a choice of the words you use in talking about the situation. A friend of mine’s wife asked for a divorce. He did not want it and tried to save the marriage but could not. She told everyone she encountered every fault of his. His choice of words was to say nothing negative about or toward her, knowing things could change. I am glad he did.

I have learned the hard way that things, both good and bad, will be a mystery to me. I am much better to ask a “what?” question to move forward. This is an incredibly good question to ask God, when the unexpected happens. “What do you have for me to learn from you God about this.”  Then seek His wisdom.